Election writing – In which I might be going bonkers

I’m writing loads of election related pieces at the moment.  I am really enjoying it, mainly as it involves a heady mixture of satire and sarcasm (two vital ingredients for any enjoyable writing, I think you’ll agree.)

Anyway, the other day I saw an interview with David Cameron (DaveCam as he has become known in my series) where he was talking about a ‘hole in the finances’.  Now, all my brain could hear at this point was Bernard Cribbins’ 1962 hit Hole In The Ground and so I decided to write a piece on this basis.

I was really pleased with what I came up with, but I also appreciate that to some it must look like I have gone potty.  Still, make up your own mind….

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Hole in the finances

There was I, a-digging this hole

Hole in the ground, big and sort of round it was

And there was I, digging it deep, it was flat at the bottom and its sides were steep

When along comes this bloke in a bowler which he lifted and he scratched his head

Well he looked down the hole, poor demented soul and he said:

“My plan to reverse Labour tax rises was not covered by my already published proposals for cuts. I had to tell the BBC that the cuts I am proposing are still not enough to fill this hole. And then I made a series of interviews in which I didn’t look like I knew what I was talking about and I had to admit that there was this hole and that “I accept there is more that needs to be done”. Now the Labour Party are saying I have a £22billion ‘credibility gap’ and that there is a great big hole where a hole don’t belong.”

I ask what a liberty, eh? Nearly bashed him right in the bowler.

Well, there was I, stood in me hole

Shovelling earth for all that I was worth, I was

And there was him, standing up there

So grand and official with his nose in the air

So I gave him a look sort of sideways and I leaned on my shovel and sighed

Well I lit me a fag, and having took a drag I replied:

“Well, according to bookshop chain founder Tim Waterstone it is ‘irresponsible’ of you and your Shadow Chancellor George Osborne to claim there are £12billion of efficiency savings to pay for the tax cut. And Labour Business Secretary, Lord Mandelson says a Tory government would put the UK economy ‘back into the emergency crisis room’. Some would say that you lot are behaving like a kid in a sweet shop, believing that you can take sweets from every jar without paying for them. You need to find a something to fill this hole; otherwise you’ll be in trouble.”

Well there we were, discussing this hole

Hole in the ground, big and sort of round it was

But it’s not there now, the ground’s all flat

And beneath it is the bloke in the bowler hat.

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Nick Parkhouse is a professional writer. He provides articles, copy, press releases and books and marketing material to a range of local and international clients. He also specialises in sports writing for a number of international sports companies as well finance, property, politics and cinema writing.